The elevator door opened and out stepped a middle-aged man, a teenage girl and a boy no older than 10. None were related but all shared one trait: a smartphone held inches from their nasal cavities and brows knit in…
Pope Francis recently completed his first international trip, a weeklong jaunt to Brazil that included adulation, spirituality and, if you were the pontiff’s chauffeur, utter embarrassment. Francis’ driver, you may have heard, took a wrong turn while transporting the pope to the…
It took only half a century, but at long last, I know a guy. For years I could only listen at block parties as my neighbors spoke glowingly of “the guy” who combined superior knowledge with cost savings one would…
Summer means barbecuing, an activity that I recently discovered is wonderful for people with absolutely nothing else going on in their lives. I seriously thought 2013 would be the year my wife got a break from cooking between June 1 and Labor Day.…
I have frequented numerous Apple stores around the country but, because I do not have employee status, have never seen a back office, stock room or break area. Should this occur, I’m convinced I would also observe a grainy, black-and-white…
Almost every single morning, I fire up my computer to see the release of some new study whose results could easily be summed up in one word: Really? Thanks, University of Manitoba, for your study concluding that people who are…
Another search for Jimmy Hoffa ended recently, with federal authorities once again facing the cameras to say what has become commonplace since the ex-Teamsters’ boss disappeared back in 1975: no, they didn’t find Hoffa’s remains or anything that would lead…
An ominous gurgling emanated from the toilet, which meant I had only minutes to act before water and Lord-only-knows-what-else cascaded over the bowl and onto the floor. I grabbed my smartphone and did the obvious: Call a plumber? No.…
The Starbucks was buzzing, which was to be expected considering it was just after 8:30 a.m. Still, the line moved swiftly, and within moments, the only customers ahead of me were a woman and her preschool-aged son. She ordered first.…
I am issuing a challenge to our nation’s standup comedians. Before you accept, I suggest you call, email, text and tweet the best joke writers you know because you’re going to need them. Ready? Here’s your task: Make somebody laugh…
My room contained everything one would expect in a five-star property: terrycloth robes emblazoned with the hotel’s logo, slippers precisely placed at the foot of the bed and enough fluffy towels to dry all exposed body parts individually, if that’s…
I have dreaded this day ever since she got her driver’s permit. It’s one thing to let your daughter drive slowly around the neighborhood with her dad in the passenger seat repeating, “Slow. Slow. SLOW!!!” It’s another to see her…
I strode through the hotel lobby in a black, sharply tailored Hugo Boss suit. It was Saturday night and I was headed to the ballroom to deliver a keynote address for more than 800 convention attendees. Suddenly I heard a…
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST MAY 22, 2013 “Attention gentlemen, this initiation meeting of the Male Golfers are Pigs Society is now officially in session. Grab a beer from the keg and let’s begin. As you…
Each week I begrudgingly sift through my spam email folder, verifying that nothing of importance inadvertently landed there. Occasionally I get a surprise e.g. MR. SCHWEM PLEASE CONTACT THE SCHOOL AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. That one went undiscovered for three…