A chronology of Jay Leno’s first day as retired Tonight Show host: 3 a.m. Wake up and write down funny President Obama health care joke from dream. Pause. Crumble up paper and go back to bed. 6:30 a.m. Begin preparing list of interview…
I don’t consider myself an equal to Oprah Winfrey. I don’t possess her charisma, her cell phone contact list, or her billions. And I’m okay with that. We can’t all grow up to be talk show hosts, media moguls, and…
Imagine you’re at a party. Someone approaches and engages you in a one-sided conversation. It goes something like this: “Hi (YOUR NAME), haven’t seen you in awhile. Of course, I haven’t seen anybody, considering I just returned from my oceanfront…
This column originally appeared in The Huffington Post 1-8-14 I’d heard rumors about the small, dilapidated single-family structure at the end of my street. During the housing bust it sat vacant, weeds and trash littering the porch and surrounding lot.…
Before beginning that dreaded day spent packing up ornaments, vacuuming fallen pine needles, retangling Christmas lights, and scouring the house unsuccessfully for that one missing gift receipt, I embark on a post-holiday tradition that becomes more depressing each year. I…
I have come to the realization that my days of being first at anything have long passed. I no longer run races, so “first across the finish line” is out. I have no desire to sleep outside my local Best Buy,…
THIS COLUMN ORIGINALLY APPEARED IN THE HUFFINGTON POST 12-10-13 Sometimes holiday gift ideas hit you at the strangest moments; in my case, it was during the recently televised American Music Awards. There I was in my recliner, half-watching the show…
I am a purist at holiday time. That means I always have the final say when choosing the family Christmas tree, always carve the holiday bird and always stand on a rickety ladder while hanging lights from front yard trees…
Redbox, you owe me $1.20. Make it easy on yourself and pay up. Now. Credit my Visa, ceremoniously present me with an oversized cardboard check or instruct a UPS driver to toss 120 pennies on my front lawn. I rented…
Before heading out the door, I gave my wife a goodbye kiss. Rather than reciprocate, she recoiled. “Ouch. Would you please shave?” “Can’t do that, honey,” I replied. “Not until the end of Movember.” “You mean NO-vember. Your lip hair…
My kids’ Halloween candy had barely gone stale before the first Christmas controversy roared into town, innocently enough in the form of a Hallmark ornament. The greeting card giant, you may have heard, received flak for trying to be tooooo…
Congratulations! You have successfully logged on to healthcare.gov, the official website of the Affordable Care Act. When all the site’s glitches are fixed, hopefully by Nov. 30 (year unknown), the act will revert to being called “Obamacare.” Until then, it’s the Affordable…
I wish for my children to be losers. There, I said it. Quick point of clarification: I don’t want them living at home in their late 30s, unemployed, aimlessly channel surfing, and looking at me when the Cheetos bag is…
Now that the federal government has reopened, the nation’s bills are being paid and everybody in Washington is making nice until January 15 when America may run out of money again, it’s nice to know some politicians can still work…
It’s back to the drawing board at the Transportation Security Administration now that a 9-year-old boy has figured out how to circumvent the screening process. On October 3, the troubled youth successfully bypassed TSA security at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport…