The next time you are traveling through Oregon and spot a zebra finch, or what non-ornithologists call “a bird,” it’s best to stay away. The creature may be drunk. In their attempts to understand the relationship between alcohol and speech…
At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon, I have a message for all superstar rock groups fronted by charismatic lead singers who are thinking about crashing my daughter’s wedding. Back off. This announcement became necessary after I watched the…
Somewhere in one of this world’s four hemispheres there lies a land mass void of a human populace but littered with cardboard UPS boxes, puffy FedEx mailer envelopes and baskets stuffed with now inedible holiday delicacies. You won’t find this…
Santa’s elves received the email this week as their boss loaded his sleigh. The message was so ominous, no subject line was needed: We, the Guardians of Christmas Present (GOCP) have successfully hacked Santa’s gift list. We are aware of…
Kudos to the artists who quickly filled in for U2 frontman Bono at the recent World AIDS Day event in New York City. Billed on the band’s website as “U2 minus one,” the quickly announced concert featured Bruce Springsteen and…
I am sneezing in between paragraphs, coughing at the completion of each sentence and wiping my bloodshot eyes as I proofread this column. I see no need to visit the doctor, for I know this horrible cold will pass. The…
“Hello, you’ve reached the Christie residence. This is Governor Chris Christie. Nobody is home right now but please leave a message and we’ll call you back.” (BEEP) “Uh, Governor Christie? This is the Father’s Day/Mother’s Day Council calling. We’re the…
Annette Marie Westwood’s memory is sketchy when she recalls the moment she walked in on her husband having sex with a female co-worker. “I do remember thinking she had really nice breasts,” Westwood said. Westwood, 42, divorced her husband, forgave…
I often wonder what it would be like to meet that guy from the beer commercials, dubbed the “World’s Most Interesting Man.” Would we discuss politics? Cooking? Opera? Definitely not opera because that’s a subject I know nothing about and,…
I approached the reception desk at the large, Chicago-based technology firm, paper bag in hand. The receptionist greeted me warmly. “May I help you, sir?” “Yes. Are you currently hiring?” “We are indeed. Would you like to fill out an…
I recently took a business trip to Poznan, Poland, a city renowned for having the world’s longest street names. If you don’t believe me, please visit the historic Poznan Town Hall district. Simply head south on Aleje Marcinkowskiego and hang…
My daughter sat on her bed, awash in a sea of glossy college brochures filled with photos of smiling sorority girls, strapping football players and freshmen chemistry students who, judging by their joyful expressions, had just cured the Ebola virus.…
By now the iPhone 6, named for the six mile line of customers waiting to purchase it, has hit Apple stores around the country. And, as with previous versions, I am watching from the sidelines, unwilling to convert until someone…
I am tired of having my heart broken online. That is not the statement of a jilted Match.com individual, for I have never explored Internet dating and therefore don’t know what it’s like to be dumped mid-chat or have a…
Does anybody in Alaska own a video camera? How about a video-equipped cell phone? Anyone? Anyone? I ask only because it’s been weeks and I have yet to see visual evidence of the alleged Palin family party brawl that occurred…