I Refuse to Shower with the EPA
As a frequent hotel guest, I used to look forward to flopping down on my freshly made bed, resting my head on up to four pillows and feeling, if only for one evening, that I had nestled into the lap…
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Presidential Candidates, Would You Accept This Rose?
President Obama may no longer be a candidate for public office, but you’d never know it judging by the recent White House schedule. Yes, it’s tradition to trade zingers with other politicians, as Obama did at the recent Gridiron Club…
Would You Like a Dictionary With Your Beer?
I grabbed a stool at the Madison, Wisconsin tavern. Even though the temperature hadn’t climbed above single digits all day, I had a cold beer on my mind. Gesturing to the numerous taps, I asked the bartender the draft selections.…
A Three Million Flyer Boards an Amtrak Train…
The diagnosis? A torn retina. The eye surgeon’s orders? Non-negotiable. No flying for three weeks. “But I have a show on the East Coast,” I pleaded. “Cancel it.” “Driving?” “Out of the question.” Long pause. “What about a … train?”…
Upon My Death, Please Continue to “Like” Me
My immediate family huddled on a couch in the funeral home’s parlor room. My wife and I held hands while my daughters stifled urges to check their cell phones. A box of tissues sat on the coffee table. None were…
Would Someone on this Train Please Tell me I’m Hot?
It takes very little to improve my mood during the dark, uneventful days of winter. Being recognized on social media always does the trick. I get positively giddy when someone “likes” my column on Facebook; a new LinkedIn request puts…
My Kids Have a “Monopoly” on my Wallet
When it comes to Monopoly, the French are having all the fun. And American parents, like myself, are envious. To mark the board game’s 80th anniversary, toymaker Hasbro, the game’s manufacturer, has loaded real money into 80 games and shipped…
Super Bowl Commercials You Didn’t See
Every Monday following a Super Bowl, I wake up feeling conflicted. Yes, guilt pangs coarse through my body following my decision to gorge myself on snacks with artery-exploding names like “Cheesy Buffalo Wing Layered Ranch Dip” even though I promised…
Time To Call the YouTube Cleaning Crew
I always reserve the dark early months of winter for some early spring cleaning. Maybe it’s because I’m on a roll after throwing out assorted Christmas boxes, gift wrap, decorative tissue and holiday lights that stopped working somewhere around December…
Bouncer, Please Remove that Songbird from the Bar
The next time you are traveling through Oregon and spot a zebra finch, or what non-ornithologists call “a bird,” it’s best to stay away. The creature may be drunk. In their attempts to understand the relationship between alcohol and speech…
I Don’t Want Maroon 5 at My Little Girl’s Wedding
At the risk of sounding like a curmudgeon, I have a message for all superstar rock groups fronted by charismatic lead singers who are thinking about crashing my daughter’s wedding. Back off. This announcement became necessary after I watched the…
Your Missing Christmas Gifts Can Be Found Here
Somewhere in one of this world’s four hemispheres there lies a land mass void of a human populace but littered with cardboard UPS boxes, puffy FedEx mailer envelopes and baskets stuffed with now inedible holiday delicacies. You won’t find this…
Santa’s Been Hacked. Will Christmas Survive?
Santa’s elves received the email this week as their boss loaded his sleigh. The message was so ominous, no subject line was needed: We, the Guardians of Christmas Present (GOCP) have successfully hacked Santa’s gift list. We are aware of…
The Time I Had to Follow Bono
Kudos to the artists who quickly filled in for U2 frontman Bono at the recent World AIDS Day event in New York City. Billed on the band’s website as “U2 minus one,” the quickly announced concert featured Bruce Springsteen and…
An Rx for the Common Wedding Cold
I am sneezing in between paragraphs, coughing at the completion of each sentence and wiping my bloodshot eyes as I proofread this column. I see no need to visit the doctor, for I know this horrible cold will pass. The…