Now that the world is slowly coming to grips with the fact that Donald J. Trump will be our next Commander N. Chief, I have a message for our nation’s television salespeople: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” If you work on commission, netting a tidy profit for every Samsung, Sharp and LG flat-panel that you…
DetailsThe first accolade came as I walked from my Phoenix hotel room to the lobby in search of a Starbucks blend that wasn’t present in room 3028. “Congratulations,” a woman said, her eyes gesturing to my sternum. While in the coffee line, a text popped up: “You did it. Helluva job.” A Facebook message followed…
DetailsMy day always begins with a mug of highly caffeinated coffee, the precursor to an energetic plunge through the world’s headlines, courtesy of the websites I’ve bookmarked on my Mac. Naturally, I start with my employer, the Chicago Tribune (suck-up sentence), segue over to The New York Times and The Washington Post, peruse the easy to…
DetailsThe question I posed over the phone to a relative was innocent enough: “Who are you voting for?” “Trump,” she replied, after a short pause. Perhaps the hesitancy stemmed from the fact that I didn’t actually phrase the question as stated above. I believe my word-for-word query was, “I can’t believe this psycho billionaire nutjob…
DetailsOn Sept. 26, I was one of 84 million debate viewers who spent the evening glued to the TV as our next president chided our soon-to-be most famous loser. That’s not a prediction for who will win on Nov. 8, but one needn’t employ fact checkers to realize one of the two candidates will replace…
DetailsGreg Schwem is a corporate comedian and business emcee who is always looking for cheap fares…in Uber and in life Just as I was embracing the idea of letting strangers drive me around in their personal vehicles while having access to my credit card information, their employer comes along and screws it up. Of course,…
DetailsThe headline caught my eye as I scrolled through The New York Times on my iPad: “How to Pick the Fastest Line at the Supermarket.” “Shop five minutes before closing,” was my immediate thought. That always works at my local grocery store. And here’s a tip for mom bloggers everywhere: Exhausted cashiers attempting to close…
DetailsSubscribe to corporate comedian Greg Schwem’s “News-Worthy Poetry” channel by clicking here. Monsters in My TV With apologies to Shel Silverstein One evening, with a cup of tea I sat and turned on my TV. I flipped to Channel twenty-three And saw this beast called Hann-i-ty. He brayed and foamed, quite literally Each time…
DetailsShortly after getting married in 1993, I realized my wife would never share my passion for tennis, which continues to be my primary form of exercise if one doesn’t count lifting grocery items from my trunk after a Costco run. To her credit, she tried the game a few times, accompanying me to our local…
DetailsNOTE: Greg Schwem is an excellent corporate comedian and corporate entertainer. He is not a computer technician, despite what he thinks. My dog’s incessant barking signaled the computer technician’s arrival at my front door. This time, I vowed, I would be ready. Prior to his visit, I’d had exactly one encounter with an on-site, in-home,…
DetailsThe Toyota Sienna Uber lumbered to a stop just south of Wrigley Field as the Cubs put the finishing touches on the Pittsburgh Pirates. I hailed the ride following a Father’s Day outing with my wife and two daughters. I entered the front seat as the girls piled into the rear. While I have long…
DetailsNote: Greg Schwem will never stop talking to himself. It’s what corporate comedians do. I pulled open the desk drawers in my office one by one. “Where are they?” I asked. My wife, hearing my distressed cries from the hallway, entered. “Where are what?” I ignored her. “They were right here next to my phone.…
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