My good friend Brad recently plunged head first into the online dating pool, having recently separated from his wife of 20-plus years. When we met for drinks one evening, he felt compelled to obsessively check his phone, his text alert tone signaling that a potential mate was in his geographical vicinity. Or just a swipe…
DetailsEvery few months one of those “List all the jobs you’ve ever had” requests appears in my Facebook feed and invites me to repost my answers. For the record, here goes: Paper delivery boy Golf caddy Fuller Brush salesman (Google that one) Tennis instructor Newspaper reporter Television reporter Comedian That’s it. There is no “continued…
DetailsDo cars have feelings? This question haunts me whenever I am in the market for a new automobile. My BMW X5 is currently one month from its lease expiration. I know it, my bank knows it, and my BMW sales rep certainly knows it as evidenced by his near daily texts and phone messages reminding…
DetailsA word to those who have grown weary of the 24-hour news cycle, the blowhard TV pundits and the never-ending stream of political debate and current event analysis: Stay away from McDonald’s. I discovered this as I attempted to, for three measly hours, free myself of any BREAKING NEWS, SPECIAL REPORTS, follow-ups to stories only…
DetailsThe reply hit my inbox a full three days after I had emailed a contract requiring a simple electronic signature, a legally binding image created after the world got tired of searching for pens. The contract was attached along with a message: “Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this. It’s just been…
DetailsCan Donald Trump gain tomato status with the author? Or will he forever be a lima bean?
DetailsMy wife and I sat in our respective chairs, enduring a barrage of holiday commercials when Santa suddenly appeared on the TV, gushing over some state-of-the-art vacuum that, according to him, was the perfect Christmas gift. “We need a new vacuum,” my wife said. “Great,” I responded. “I need a few more gift ideas for…
DetailsA new Christmas tradition in the Schwem household unexpectedly surfaced Thanksgiving night when my wife was channel hopping and stumbled upon the Hallmark Channel. Yes, we knew the greeting card company owned a television network and we help pay for its existence via our monthly cable bill. However, we had no idea Hallmark executives thought…
DetailsI set my alarm 90 minutes before my normal wake up time. I secured my place in line two hours before the doors opened. I rehearsed, discarded and reformulated my introductory comment repeatedly. Should I open with a personal memory? Should our conversation be poignant? Funny? What if I ask a question and he responded…
DetailsNow that the world is slowly coming to grips with the fact that Donald J. Trump will be our next Commander N. Chief, I have a message for our nation’s television salespeople: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” If you work on commission, netting a tidy profit for every Samsung, Sharp and LG flat-panel that you…
DetailsThe first accolade came as I walked from my Phoenix hotel room to the lobby in search of a Starbucks blend that wasn’t present in room 3028. “Congratulations,” a woman said, her eyes gesturing to my sternum. While in the coffee line, a text popped up: “You did it. Helluva job.” A Facebook message followed…
DetailsMy day always begins with a mug of highly caffeinated coffee, the precursor to an energetic plunge through the world’s headlines, courtesy of the websites I’ve bookmarked on my Mac. Naturally, I start with my employer, the Chicago Tribune (suck-up sentence), segue over to The New York Times and The Washington Post, peruse the easy to…
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