This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Feb. 6, 2018 It finally happened. Alex Trebek snapped. As a longtime Jeopardy fan, among the thousands of avid watchers convinced they could win fortunes on the show but too intimidated to apply as contestants, I’d been predicting a meltdown for years. The seemingly unflappable Trebek, however, has kept…
DetailsCorporate comedian Greg Schwem encounters a miniscule sized mattress and must choose between a comfortable night’s sleep and marital bliss
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on Medium January 23, 2018 A recent trip to what remains of my local shopping mall left me with a range of emotions beginning with depression and ending on a euphoric high. Sort of like how I felt watching the 2016 presidential election returns. In reverse. My…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune January 16, 2018 I’m old enough to remember when email began its ascent into mainstream communication, a phenomenon embraced by everyone who didn’t make their livelihood via the telephone industry or the U.S. postal service. Somewhere around 1994 I found myself licking fewer stamps and picking up…
DetailsThis article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on the Today Show website January 2, 2018 Thanks to retail giant Amazon, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service may want to ponder creating a new “endangered” list containing the following HUMAN species: –People who leave their homes to shop (Scientific name “mallwalkerus spendicus”) –People who…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 26, 2017 I have always taken great pride in my ability to avoid those enticing clickbait headlines at the bottom of my daily newsfeed. Perhaps that’s why I must plead ignorance when conversations begin with, “Hey, did you hear Hillary Clinton’s favorite bedtime snack is puppy innards…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune December 19, 2017 I live with three women, which makes Christmas gift buying about as easy, and mystifying, as unclogging a toilet. My wife’s apparel sizes seem to alter daily, which is why every item of clothing I’ve ever wrapped and placed under the tree contains a…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune December 12, 2017 What’s on your agenda today?” my wife asked, clutching her lengthy list of to-do items that, daily, seems to grow exponentially as the Christmas holiday approaches. The fact that she was waving the list directly within my line of vision was a direct hint…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 5, 2017 Christmas decorations, I’ve concluded, are like politicians: At first full of promise, but, if left too long unsupervised, prone to false hopes, hidden flaws and numerous instances of substandard performance. Over the years, I’ve continually wondered how a string of outdoor lights, working perfectly when…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 28, 2017 As the last light of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend began to fade, I found myself in my garage, contemplating a task I had been neglecting for years. I’d completed the required checklist that accompanies my every Thanksgiving: Gorge self on turkey, shake head in…
DetailsThis article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 21, 2017. Please visit and subscribe to A Comedian Crashes Your Pad on YouTube or Vimeo From any west facing window in my boyhood home, it was impossible not to see it: A sprawling box elder, its branches towering over the other trees, not only in my…
DetailsThis column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 14, 2017 Once again, it appears one of MY great ideas has been brought to fruition — by somebody who, unlike me, knows how to create an app. Was it nine years ago, maybe 10, that I was aimlessly driving around a congested mall parking lot, thinking how…
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