A Double Mattress and a Single Cry for Help
Corporate comedian Greg Schwem encounters a miniscule sized mattress and must choose between a comfortable night's sleep and marital bliss
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Grow a Beard and Get a Tattoo! The Apple Store is Hiring
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on Medium January 23, 2018 A recent trip to what remains of my local shopping mall left me with a range of emotions beginning with depression and ending on a euphoric high.…
Thanks To Trump, the * Finally Gets Its Due
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune January 16, 2018 I’m old enough to remember when email began its ascent into mainstream communication, a phenomenon embraced by everyone who didn’t make their livelihood via the telephone industry or the…
A Perfect Amazon Gift for Everyone Not Named ‘Alexa’
This article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune and on the Today Show website January 2, 2018 Thanks to retail giant Amazon, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service may want to ponder creating a new “endangered” list containing the following…
Justin Bieber Pooped Here! See for Yourself
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 26, 2017 I have always taken great pride in my ability to avoid those enticing clickbait headlines at the bottom of my daily newsfeed. Perhaps that’s why I must plead ignorance when…
My Kids are Getting Bitcoin for Christmas, Whatever That Is
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune December 19, 2017 I live with three women, which makes Christmas gift buying about as easy, and mystifying, as unclogging a toilet. My wife’s apparel sizes seem to alter daily, which is…
Making My Life Great Again, One Diet Coke at a Time
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune December 12, 2017 What’s on your agenda today?” my wife asked, clutching her lengthy list of to-do items that, daily, seems to grow exponentially as the Christmas holiday approaches. The fact that…
I have named my Christmas Tree Stand ‘Robert Mueller’
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Dec. 5, 2017 Christmas decorations, I’ve concluded, are like politicians: At first full of promise, but, if left too long unsupervised, prone to false hopes, hidden flaws and numerous instances of substandard performance.…
What Is This Tool and Why Did I Buy It?
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 28, 2017 As the last light of the Thanksgiving holiday weekend began to fade, I found myself in my garage, contemplating a task I had been neglecting for years. I’d completed…
A View From the Top Branches, Finally Realized
This article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 21, 2017. Please visit and subscribe to A Comedian Crashes Your Pad on YouTube or Vimeo From any west facing window in my boyhood home, it was impossible not to see it:…
Hey, I Thought of a Self-Finding Golf Ball First!
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 14, 2017 Once again, it appears one of MY great ideas has been brought to fruition — by somebody who, unlike me, knows how to create an app. Was it nine years ago,…
And on my last day of work, I would…
This article originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune November 7, 2017 The Twitterverse, indeed the entire online community, was abuzz last week with news that a still unidentified rogue Twitter employee, on his or her last day of employment at the social networking giant,…
Hey Amazon Driver! Come Live with Me
This column originally appeared in the Chicago Tribune Oct 31, 2017 The Schwem family has often entertained the idea of hosting a foreign exchange student for a semester or, if the student can tolerate us, an entire year. That could…
Javier Baez, “Blow Some Magic My Way!”
Recently I decided to refocus on learning a skill I had abandoned in frustration when I was approximately 11. Blowing bubbles. With gum, not soap. I mastered the latter when I was four. Why, you ask, at the age…
Hey College Students! Open Your Doors!
Recently I returned to my college alma mater for homecoming weekend, a chance to watch football, rekindle old friendships and, as is my passion, visit with my school’s current crop of students so I have some idea of what our…