Don’t get me wrong, having a baby is a joyous occasion. But do new parents who are well into their years of Social Security eligibility, IRA withdrawals and entry into retirement communities REALLY know what they are getting themselves int
The school bully welcomed me to junior high by shoving me against a locker. In high school, I remember slipping a note into the louvers of my crush's locker, then discreetly watching from an empty classroom as she read it.
Obviously, the study is flawed for assuming a date includes a restaurant, a multiplex and alcohol. New Yorkers take heart; two subway tickets, some takeout Chinese, a candle, a blanket, a shared can of White Claw and a plot of grass in Central Park can easily be had for under $40. Unless one of you insists on bits of lobster or Kobe beef in your fried rice.
My life has recently been filled with several components that no longer bring me joy; some involving injury, pain and rehab, although maybe not in a continuous cycle. Nevertheless, using Luck's logic, I am hereby announcing my retirement from the following activities:
So, CNN, why not cancel the next presidential debate, build your own slide and invite all the remaining Democratic candidates and President Trump to compete? Personally, I think Pete Buttigieg would win in a landslide. Surely his training as a naval officer in Afghanistan included skills that could be resourceful in Slippery Stairs
Babies, despite your best efforts, you’re number two. Dogs are ahead of you. You may have even fallen to number three, behind Peloton classes. Deal with it.
“On September 20, we are going to Groom Lake in Nevada, specifically to storm Area 51,” I said. “The event is on Facebook, and I’ve already responded ‘interested.’ Along with 1.4 million others.”
When it comes to items that should be equipped with a GPS, my choice would be sunglasses. And pens. Hand me either and I will make them vanish faster than any magician appearing nightly on the Las Vegas strip.
I’ll admit, even I was grossed out by this dairy breach, which has since inspired numerous copycat incidents; and I’ve been known to open our refrigerator and swill orange juice and milk straight from the carton, much to my family’s horror.
A lot can happen in two years. At this time in 2017, no one had heard of #MeToo. The political climate, while still intense, had not reached the level of combustibility that exists today. Workplace political correctness has ratcheted up…
I’m sure a few morbid concertgoers purchased tickets just to see if Mick Jagger, having recently undergone heart surgery, would succumb on stage. What an Instagram selfie that would make!
I had seen scooters in other cities, usually out of the corner of my eye seconds before I leapt out of the way to avoid them. In Washington, D.C., a gaggle of scooters nearly ran me over outside the White House. My guess is the occupants chose our nation’s capital to demonstrate how scooters are improving the environment by reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Conversely, they are harming the environment by adding to debris on public thoroughfares, mostly in the form of injured bodies.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently signed what he referred to as a “common sense” bill, allowing kids throughout the state to set up lemonade stands, and sell the beverage, without vendor permits or health inspections. The bill was inspired by an incident in Overton, Texas, where police did, in fact, shut down a stand run by two 8-year-old sisters. That incident occurred in 2015, in case you’re wondering how long it takes the Texas government to apply common sense.
I loaded music from bands that defined my high school and college years into iTunes. I also loaded music I was too embarrassed to admit I listened to in high school. Yes, I briefly went through a John Denver phase, followed immediately by a Molly Hatchet phase. Surprisingly, I did not take drugs in high school.
If I had just sped up that video of my daughter running hurdles during freshman track season, who knows? Maybe she would have received a full track and field scholarship. It would have been more realistic than superimposing her head onto the body of a famous athlete, something the parents implicated in the college admissions scandal now realize was a very bad idea.