As fall beckons, I am beginning my yearly quest to shed those summer pounds using any method save the most obvious:
Eat less food.
I’ve heard the process of shoving fewer calories into my mouth produces wonderful results. Newly svelte friends rave about it; doctors — even those who spend most of their practice on television — applaud it; searching “How can I lose weight?” on Google also yields this answer.
Ha! What do they know? I’m trusting my health to an air fryer.
Sitting on my kitchen counter, and taking up an inordinate amount of space, is this recently purchased, egg-shaped…thing that sounds like a faulty air conditioner when I press “on.” I’ve been to quieter rock concerts. But I’m convinced the air fryer is my ticket to a smaller waist size based on the methodical, scientific descriptions of its food preparation abilities, courtesy of everybody who owns one.
“It, um, cooks food with air. And air doesn’t have any calories, right?”
That’s good enough for me.
Make Room for the Air Fryer
Purchasing an air fryer was a direct violation of my goal to purge our kitchen of all those trendy appliances that produce exactly one dish. The home ice cream maker, the frittata pan and the Belgian waffle skillet are all decomposing in a landfill somewhere. One survivor is the high-speed blender because, like millions of others who own one, I erroneously believe that pulverizing food also eliminates calories. Hey, deep dish pizza might not be healthy but a deep-dish pizza smoothie? Now you’re talking!
First, let’s call the air fryer what it truly is. It is not, as some websites claim, an appliance that circulates hot air via a convection method, browning food while greatly reducing, or eliminating altogether, the need for cooking oil.
The air fryer is an oven for people who live alone.
Granted, I’m married with children; but if I was a bachelor, the air fryer and an online dating app would be all I needed to function. I would also be a very slim, trim bachelor due to the air fryer’s size. Are chicken wings healthy? Not particularly. But since an air fryer basket can hold approximately one wing, maybe two via creative placement, go ahead and indulge! Should you desire more, be prepared to wait approximately three hours, since air fryer chicken wings take about 20 minutes before turning brown and crispy. At least they did via the chicken wing recipe I found on TikTok.
I lost One Million Pounds Because of Air
Ah yes, TikTok. Where air fryer addicts go to brag about the millions of pounds they collectively lost. Proving my point, all are standing by themselves when making their claims. One dude who keeps popping up on my feed begins every video by pointing to his perfectly toned six pack abs and then to the air fryer. I keep meaning to message him and ask if the air fryer works better if its owner is shirtless.
Despite my misgivings, the air fryer has yielded some tasty results. Bacon cooked at 400 degrees for 10 minutes and flipped once turns out remarkably crispy. Air fryer meatballs and broccoli are now staples, and frozen French fries and tater tots turn out perfectly. (Although, I’m grateful for the smaller portions, since no diet doctor would ever recommend tater tots for anyone trying to lose weight.)
There have also been some misfires. Scrambled eggs were a messy disaster; and let’s not talk about my attempt at donuts, despite following the online recipe. The latter was probably the air fryer’s way of telling me that weight loss and donuts are not compatible, no matter how they are prepared.
Could I have made all these dishes in a conventional or convection oven? Most likely. But what’s the point of that? Have you ever seen a shirtless TikTok celebrity point to his abs and then claim he owed it all to an appliance his grandmother used to make family meals?
Me neither.
