Sometimes I wonder why our country so eagerly awaits the warm summer months, for the season seems to inspire weirdness that doesn’t dissipate until leaves begin to change color.
Take last summer, a solstice that appeared headed for normalcy until the term “Bigfoot Porn” hit the national news. In short, it involves people obsessed with viewing images of sexual trysts between the hairy mythical creature and willing participants. The phrase went mainstream after U.S. Rep. Denver Riggleman (R-VA) was accused of such an obsession by Leslie Cockburn, the Democratic opponent vying for Riggleman’s congressional seat. Despite the bizarre storyline, Riggleman handily won another term. Republicans and Sasquatch rejoiced.
Summer 2019 isn’t even half over, and I’ve identified two news stories receiving way more attention than they rightly deserve. Coincidentally, one involves a fairy-tale being. But more about that later. First, let’s turn our attention to Lufkin, Texas, a city previously known for absolutely nothing that is now synonymous with Blue Bell ice cream.
Security cameras in the town’s Walmart captured images of a female customer who grabbed a carton of ice cream from the store’s freezer, opened it and LICKED ice cream remnants off the lid, before putting the container back on the shelf. The culprit, a juvenile, was eventually apprehended and can now add the term “Blue Bell Licker” to her LinkedIn profile. Her juvenile status will keep her from facing a possible 20-year prison sentence. I wonder if they serve ice cream in prison.
I’ll admit, even I was grossed out by this dairy breach, which has since inspired numerous copycat incidents; and I’ve been known to open our refrigerator and swill orange juice and milk straight from the carton, much to my family’s horror. I also can’t resist sampling food from a buffet before sitting down to eat it, but at least the food is already on my plate as I walk. Blue Bell Licker would probably help herself using the establishment’s utensils, thereby earning the name “Tong Cheater.”
The second news story getting far more attention than should be warranted involves … wait for it … a MERMAID.
Yes, mermaids are fictitious creatures comprised of a beautiful woman’s head and torso, attached to a fish tail. Daryl Hannah played one in Splash and, as any parent with a DVD player knows, Disney’s The Little Mermaid is not only a great film, but also makes a wonderful babysitter.
But controversy erupted after Disney announced R&B singer Halle Bailey would play the title role of Ariel in “The Little Mermaid” live action remake, set to begin production next year. Social media lit up with Bailey opponents wondering how Disney could cast an African-American as Ariel when the animated version portrayed Ariel as a redheaded Caucasian girl. Those opinions inevitably led to allegations of racism, mostly in the form of social media replies too vulgar to print in this column.
I saw more back-and-forth tweets on Ariel’s proposed skin color this past week than I did about two 7.0 magnitude earthquakes that rocked Southern California. And those were real.
The choice of Bailey shouldn’t surprise anyone, as Disney fans can currently see a major African-American star, Will Smith, as the genie in Aladdin. Genies, incidentally, also are not real.
Disney executives, who have not commented on the Bailey backlash, must be amused. So amused, in fact, that I suggest they fan the controversy by making a live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs featuring an entirely African-American cast.
I’ll vote for Beyonce as Snow White, Chadwick Boseman or Michael B. Jordan as her Prince and Meryl Streep as the Wicked Queen. OK, Streep is white; but with her acting skills, she can play anybody.
Then I will spend the rest of my summer sitting on my back porch, laughing hilariously at the tweets and posts generated by haters who don’t realize our country has much bigger problems than what appears on the silver screen. Wait, is somebody saying screens should no longer be referred to as “silver?” I’d better check my Twitter feed.
Right after I open a carton of ice cream. Preferably, a sealed one.
