I sat on my living room floor, surrounded by an assortment of cables, screws, dowels and pressed wood shelves that would eventually form the printer stand I ordered online. I had one profanity-free thought.
“Time to move to Georgia.”
Recently I came across a study from WordTips, a site offering hints and strategy for those hooked on letter games such as Words With Friends, Wordle and Scrabble. For reasons never explained, researchers at the site decided to find out which U.S states used the most cuss words. Analyzing profane tweets from the social media site X, and then matching the authors to their geographic locations, the WordTips team concluded the Peachtree state was the nation’s “swear-iest,” if that’s even a (insert expletive of your choice) word.
I’ll admit, I have a foul vocabulary. Not all the time; my mouth is soap-free in casual conversation, definitely on Sundays and on stage. I’m a standup comedian and take pride that, in over 30 years of performing, I have never dropped an F-bomb into the microphone. Well, maybe once, but when a drunk bachelor party continues yelling, “YOU SUCK,” what’s a comic to do? Thankfully, comedian Nate Bargatze just proved one doesn’t have to be foul-mouthed to sell out Madison Square Garden. Three times.
This Screw Goes…Where Exactly?
Nevertheless, I fall off the wagon whenever I am faced with assembling anything that includes “directions” consisting of zero words but a hodgepodge of microscopic arrows and dotted lines that requires a magnifying glass or stronger contact lenses to decipher. Neither is ever included in the assortment of parts.
In the past year I’ve assembled a dresser, a floor lamp, and a TV console. All arrived in flat cardboard boxes, their contents encased in styrofoam and plastic bags. Simply unboxing the parts included a lunch break.
“Just take it slow,” I repeat to myself. “Don’t get frustrated. Take a break if you must.”
This strategy usually lasts until I get to page three. Of 20. Then the F-bombs flow freely and, much to my neighbors’ dismay, loudly as I wonder, “What kind of a (expletive) idiot thinks a single (expletive) screw is supposed to (expletive) support an entire (expletive) floor lamp?”
Georgia, particularly Atlanta, which has been pegged as the most foul-mouthed city in the most foul-mouthed state, would be so proud. The WordTips site found 56 of every 1,000 X posts contained at least one curse word. Minnesota came in dead last with only 15 swears per 1,000 posts. I assume that analysis was done in summer; I spent a January weekend in Minneapolis and was cursing the moment I rolled out of bed.
Unwilling to stop at geographical findings, WordTips also dove into the most profane people by first name. I figured Karen would come out on top but she didn’t even make the top 10. Instead, Kai landed at number one followed by June, Luis, Ana and Ari. Expectant parents, name your child Kimberly, Jennifer, Rachel or Stephen if you want profanity-free conversations.
Grandpa Trump, It’s Your $%&@# Shot!
I don’t know anybody named Kai. However, President Trump’s granddaughter Kai has recently been appearing on my social media feeds. In one post, she interviewed him from the passenger seat of a golf cart as they both played a round.
“Is there a dream you’re still trying to chase or have you reached all your dreams?” she asked.
I was shocked by this line of questioning, assuming she would ask, “Grandpa, what the (expletive) are you doing playing (expletive) golf in the middle of a (expletive) government shutdown?”
Trump responded that, although he was president, his dream was to be a great president.
Needless to say, the responses to Kai’s interview would keep the analyzers at WordTips working overtime.
Trump also recently told a gaggle of reporters aboard Air Force One that he didn’t think he would get into heaven. I fear my pension for profanity and needlessly taking the Lord’s name in vain when I drop a screw onto carpeting, will result in my spending eternity alongside him. But I can’t worry about that now.
I prefer to celebrate the fact that, after hours of uttering every familiar curse word, and inventing a few of my own, the (expletive) printer stand is finally (expletive) finished.
