This column originally appeared as part of the ”Humor Hotel’ series for Tribune Content Agency.
’Tis the season for inadvertently clicking on online shopping offers from merchants and spending the weeks leading up to Christmas firmly in their crosshairs.
In my experience, one year it was the Siena mattress company. At the time I was not in the market for new bedding. Attempting to move Siena’s initial message to my trash folder, I inadvertently opened it, sending Siena’s algorithms into overdrive. I quickly scrolled to the bottom, squinting until I located the “unsubscribe” link. The emails stopped, but not immediately. Maybe Siena’s marketing team thought I was kidding.
“He sleeps, right?” I imagined them saying. “Why wouldn’t he want to do it in comfort?” Keep emailing him and throw in some pillowcases for 50% off!”
The next year it was scented candles from some company I can’t recall. Candle manufacturers, like smoked sausage companies, seem to appear from hibernation at Christmas time.
I Enjoy My Natural ‘City’ Smell
Even during winter, there is usually a window open in my condominium. Which means my domicile smells like … Chicago. I’m fine with that. There are no landfills in my neighborhood, and during summer the aroma of street festival food occasionally wafts upward to my balcony, leading visitors to enter and say, “Are you making corn dogs?”
The natural smells that accompany city living mean I don’t need an open flame producing fragrances ranging from vanilla bean to blueberry cheesecake to mahogany driftwood. I could have had all three, if I’d taken advantage of the BUY TWO GET ONE FREE offer that was constantly being dangled in front of me. As Dec. 25 grew closer, those emails became so frequent that I expected one to eventually proclaim, WE ARE GETTING OUT OF THE CANDLE BUSINESS! TAKE THE ENTIRE STORE! USE CODE “SANTASONFIRE” FOR FREE SHIPPING!
This year the offending company is Knix, makers of, according to a Google summary, “amazing wireless bras, period proof underwear, sports bras, loungewear and more. Designed with your comfort in mind.”
I have never heard of Knix, and am positive I’ve never searched the company, or any of its offerings via Google, TikTok or ChatGPT. None of this merchandise is part of my daily wardrobe. My “loungewear” consists of Chicago Bears sweatpants and a Rolling Stones T-shirt. Knix sells neither.
Online Shopping Sites Should Know I Have Enough “Support”
Nobody on my Christmas 2024 grab bag list needs anything from Knix. Well, maybe some do, but underwear for “medium flow days” doesn’t seem like an item that should appear under a Christmas tree. Yet, unlike the candle and the mattress retailers, I didn’t unsubscribe immediately. And it was not because Knix is currently conducting its BIGGEST SALE OF THE YEAR with everything 60% OFF!
No, I was fascinated by the entertaining language the company employs to advertise its products. For example, a bra that “supports your boobs without the wires.”
I realize artificial intelligence may control every component of my life before I die, but I never thought I’d live long enough to see “boobs” in mainstream advertising.
Ladies, and Knix copywriters, what happened to “breasts”? Bust? Bosoms? Years ago, when trying to surprise my ex-wife with lingerie for Valentine’s Day, I stammered through an interrogation from a store clerk who peppered me with queries about my wife’s “cup size.” Never once did she grab a silk teddy off the rack and ask, “Do you think her boobs would fit in this?”
Mind you, it’s not just online shopping sites like Knix that have altered the ways we discuss our private areas or habits. Rather than promise that we will smell clean, deodorant ads now insist on ridding our bodies of STINKY PIT ODOR!
Personal grooming tools? Even worse. Guys, why trim “down there” when you can MANSCAPE THAT JUNGLE!”
I’m sorry but all of these emails are upsetting my stomach. I may have to pause writing this column and visit the bathroom. Luckily there is an air freshener on top of my toilet tank.
Or, as the ad states, a TACTICAL STINK ASSASSIN.
