On Sept. 26, I was one of 84 million debate viewers who spent the evening glued to the TV as our next president chided our soon-to-be most famous loser. That’s not a prediction for who will win on Nov. 8, but one needn’t employ fact checkers to realize one of the two candidates will replace the four-time Super Bowl-losing Buffalo Bills as the poster child for ineptitude.
When it was over, and I watched Donald Trump take a stroll through the media spin room proclaiming victory while his closest aides tried to contain their laughter, I, like millions of other Americans, felt confused, ashamed and bewildered.
I also felt very hungry.
And why not? I had just watched a half hour pre-debate special on CNN, the debate itself and an hour of post-debate analysis from experts ranging from MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow to the guy who fixes the air conditioning system at Fox News headquarters. He’s voting for Trump, by the way.
The only thing missing was a “Who Wore it Best?” segment, something I’m sure the E! Channel is working on prior to the second debate.
Donald, you look FABULOUS tonight. Is that Armani?
All told, my debate fix totaled three and a half hours, about the length of your average football game. No wonder I was famished. My football-watching ritual is always accompanied by snacks, something I had neglected to prepare prior to the “Hollerin’ at Hofstra” spectacle.
If I view a gridiron contest in person, it also includes a bunch of my buddies standing around my car’s open hatch, drinking the libation of our choice while a designated griller stands in a cloud of smoke marinating pork chops.
Yes, it’s time to recognize these presidential squabble-fests for what they should be: A chance to commiserate over unhealthy food while rooting for our favorite participant.
When Trump and Hillary Clinton square off again Oct. 9 at Washington University in St. Louis, I will be ready. Just follow your nose to my garage, where an outdoor flat-screen awaits along with some of the tastiest debate tailgate concoctions available.
Highlights include:
Blazin’ Spineless Wings
Combine butter, salt, cayenne pepper and Tabasco. Pour over woefully unprepared chicken parts. Bake slowly for one hour and then turn up the heat the last 30 minutes. Serve ’em up on a platter. WARNING: May cause uncontrollable sniffling.
Hillary’s 10 Layer Taco Dip
There are so many layers to explore in this old standby, still evolving after nearly 40 years as a tailgating staple. Fans have searched, mostly in vain, for the secret ingredients that lie beneath a protective shroud of lettuce, cheese and refried promises — I’m sorry, beans. Plunge a tortilla chip deep inside and you’ll discover a mixture of hot and cold fixings that simply won’t quit. Don’t ask me for the recipe; I deleted it.
Trump Meatballs
Size can vary depending on your anticipation of this favorite. I plan to make separate pots: teeny tiny meatballs for guests who feel a small taste is plenty, and the LARGEST, MOST AMAZING, MOST FANTASTIC MEATBALLS for those who simply can’t get enough, no matter the ingredients. Heap a few on your plate and then proudly compare their size to other food at the party. The recipe will be available for those undecided guests who desire more information before making a selection.
Moderator Guacamole
It’s a side dish. Nothing more. Got it? Not designed to be consumed with other food items, for that would imply favoritism. Online reviews have ranged from, “a very fair and balanced taste” to “I was the only one who got heartburn. What’s up with that?”
Libertarian Chili
Contains a bunch of great ingredients like uh, um, wait a minute, uh, bear with me, I’m having an Aleppo moment, can I get back to you? Oh, who cares? It’s a great alternative to other tailgate food.
Feeling hungry? Good. Join me on Oct. 9 and feel free to contribute. Right now I’m in need of some non-partisan beverages that will leave everybody in an equal state of stupor when the debate concludes.
